Wednesday Update!

So, this week I have been on TWO dates!!

Well, technically I wouldn't normally classify them as dates, but the world would--so today they're going to fall into that category.

The first would be an adventurous weekend with my Ex from Europe. Yes, you guessed right. He is the one who is partially in fault for pushing the first domino in my dating hiatus and partially responsible for my non-committal self.

The second would be a round-two date. If you remember my date with the guy nicknamed "Kung Fu," well, he came in town to see friends, including me, and took me out to the Dodgers game. We also went out to a bar afterwards in Echo Lake called the Short Stop.

I feel like I'm going to dig deeper in my letter this friday, but there's definitely a good takeaway from this week: there's only one person I want to be with at this point in time and neither one of them are him.

Also, I'm tired of being a hypocrite. I am the non-committal queen. I don't do "non-committal make-outs" or hook-ups, or whatever you'd like to call it--I don't do it, however, I let these men have their way with me. Which means that I am participating just as much even if I am not the one initiating it. It still takes two to tango, two to flirt, and two to create sparks. And it takes two to make out--even if I am not "kissing back."

If I am entertaining their advances, I am at fault and I am causing them to want me even though I do not want them. It's a great feeling to be wanted, but it's not right when the entire time that they are wanting you, you are wishing they were someone else.

I need to either a) get over him, or b) give him a real chance and then see where things go.

I can't keep sabotaging these dates because they are not him. It's not fair to anyone--even myself.

Till Friday--keep dating LA and Dallas!

Music Monday: The xx

If you haven't hear of The Xx, become enlightened. They're awesome and here is my new favorite from them.

Enjoy!

FMF 5/3/13

Dear Hubs,

Marriage and commitment has been on my mind a lot lately because I am in another wedding this weekend and my thoughts have been enveloped. I know I’ve said this before, but I don’t think I am ready for that level of commitment just yet, even though I like to think I am.

I am, bottom line, the non-committal queen. I am constantly avoiding any guy who shows potential, always making up excuses as to why I should only give them one to three dates, or not give him a chance at all.  If I ever made it sound like the guys I have dated were not good enough for me, (ok, some of the dates I’ve been on were terrible, but most of them have been generally nice guys) the heart of the matter is that I was truly not ready for them.

The truth is that I continually sabotage myself. I was explaining it to a friend this week and I said, “I constantly trip myself—it’s not other people who disrupt my run, walk, or baby steps towards a better life, it’s myself. “

I am the hardest critic of myself. I will tell anyone I am a constant work in progress. I am a sinner. I am a mess. I constantly fall short of my own expectations and I know that if I tried to live up to my dream guys’ “list,” I would not even come close to measuring up to his ideal. I am scared of letting him down… of letting you down. I am terrified of not measuring up as a wife and of course failing at yet another relationship.

I know, however, that I am a creature designed uniquely by the Crafter, Artist, and Maker. I am hard on myself because I also know that I must try to live a life that is above reproach. I have accepted the call to live as an example, and because of that, I want to live a life that’s inspiring. I want to inspire others in any and/or all areas of my life… whomever I end up with, I would like for him to want to live in the same way. 

I know however, that if I am ever going to allow myself to fall in love, the first rule is that I must learn to love myself. I must learn to give myself grace, patience, along with the discipline, self-control and critique.  I can’t continue to have a one-sided relationship with myself—because how can I allow you to love me if I don’t love myself?

It’s these things I know are “head-knowledge” instead of “heart-knowledge.” My good friend Rach told me this long ago and it has stuck with me ever since.

As humans, we can be so wise, but unless we believe it in our hearts, our knowledge is not lived out fully. In other words, we can be “all talk and no action” people when it comes to our knowledge. Sometimes that’s how I feel in my life—which is why I am so hard on myself. I know better. I know better, yet I continue to do or choose to do otherwise.

Although I write to you every week, I don’t want you to think that at the age of 24, I was ready to jump the gun with any guy who asked me to marry him, because it is rather the opposite: I write to you so that I can familiarize myself with you, so that I can get used to the idea of you, and get used to the idea of commitment.

Future Man Friday is a way for me to write to you and share my thoughts about who I think you are and what makes you different than the guys I have dated or am dating.—why ultimately I am with you and vice-versa. It’s also a way for me to try to inspire you; for me to speak blessings over you life despite the fact that we are not together in the present.

 Love you and I am thinking of you today.

-Addie

FMF: 4/26/2013

Dear Hubs,

I have been casually reading through this book called Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, by Erwin McManus and I thought today would be a great day to share some thoughts from that.

I’m not big on self-help books, but I really have enjoyed this on—mainly because the points McManus has made thus far align so much with what I write about weekly.

He challenges us as we are dissecting the paragraphs to take a deeper look at how we are living. We are, naturally, selfish human beings. We are narcissistic and greedy. We can be hateful, mean and pretentious—but what we need is to live like we are being observed everyday. We live now like we are performing everyday—which is totally different. We need to be generous, wise, bold and loving. We need to be genuine, honest, pure and always pointing to Truth.

Constantly “life” gets in the way and brings us back to our roots of selfishness. This constant challenge is one that very few learn to part from forever.

Another topic that he has talked about thus far is living a life of passion rather than apathy. Our lack of concern for the world, for those around us, and sometimes for our own future and well-being, creates a spirit of antipathy in our lives, which translates into apathy. Our lack of living a passion-filled life comes from choosing obligations over passions. However, some passions (unhealthy passions) can rule our life. They can fuel destructive patterns and eventually drown us in our own iniquities.

So far, McManus’ chapter called “Rising Downward” has been the one that really hit home. In this chapter he talks mainly about courage, humility and leadership. In a nutshell, he says that having courage=having integrity=you are teachable=you are humble.

In order to be humble, there is no place for pride. In order to be courage, there is no place for arrogance. For us to have integrity, there can be no falsity. And for us to be teachable there can be no unwillingness.

He transitions into talking about how these four qualities are what make or break a leader.

I hope that I continue on this path of living a passion-filled life with humility, courage, integrity and a willingness to learn. I never want to be a “finished project,” but rather a work-in-project that can always be shaped by His hand.

I hope that you feel the same way. This book is inspiring—even though I feel like I’ve heard it all before, McManus has a way of saying things that make them sound fresh and new.

If you’re looking for an interesting read, I’d definitely suggest it. I’m only on chapter four and already I feel like I’ve learned (or re-visited) a lot of very important topics.

I love you and I am thinking of you today. I hope you are learning and being challenged everyday.

Tanti Baci

-Addie

http://mosaic.org/uprising

Something to make you laugh: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jeremiahweed/classic-southern-phrases-everyone-should-be-using

Something interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c_zppPutQw

Something funny: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/35-animals-that-just-need-a-little-help

Something else interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4OK9DmLpCY

Stats
Miles: 12
Hair: Straight
Height: 5'8"

LA: How to deal with men being too forward

I have a problem. A major problem that I never thought I would really have to deal with--until now.

In the South, everyone is generally nice, outgoing, relatable and what we consider to be "warm." So, to strike up a conversation with a stranger or for a stranger to start talking to you is pretty normal. What you're supposed to do in response is be nice and talk back.

Twice, since the beginning of the week (it's Wednesday, so really only two days have passed in what I consider the "week"), I have been approached by men and have entertained conversation with them. In these two instances, these conversations were started not in the social sector  but rather in my everyday life so, i.e. at work, gym, or a gas station.

I entertained these conversations not because I wanted to talk to them, or that I was hoping that they would talk to me,  but rather because I was trying to be nice. At the end of both of these conversations, these two men asked me for my number. Which gives me the choice of how I wish to respond.

But, it's here that I'm stuck in a predicament.

I believe so much in Carpe Diem, Karma, however you choose to put it, so I try my very best to be truthful at all times. Truthfulness does not mean that I'm harshly blunt. It just means that I try to be truthful and not lie.

Most girls that I have talked to have told me to just respond and say, "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend," "I'm sorry, I'm spoken for," or "I'm sorry, I'm not interested." Another said that I needed to wear a ring on my left ring finger.

What would you do?

When I lived abroad, I quickly learned that I needed to be less open to random conversations from men because they were extremely forward. Most of the time I felt so mean, but it was what I needed to do. In LA I wasn't expecting this to be the case and now that I'm experiencing this, I feel as though I must do the same.

Advice would be appreciated so comment away!!!

FMF: 4/12/13

Dear Hubs,

I have to make a quick shout-out here to my friend K-Dawg who reminded me today that I needed to write my to my husband. You can thank him one day for reminding me to write to you this evening :)

I wish I had more of an update for you, as I feel like this week has been anything less than "blah." I've done so much and I really feel like this week I gave my 110%, but I don't think I have much to show for it. Chances are this is just my worn-out self writing to you instead of my usual energetic before-the-day-starts self.

Hopefully you had much more of an eventful week than I. Wherever you are I pray that you are filling your brain with knowledge and truths. I hope that you are living this life like an adventure and trying to live every moment to the fullest. We never know how much time we are given here--and if you and I are to become one, we will never know how much time we have together.

I think that's why I exhaust myself so.

I'm always "go-go-go" and once an idea pops into my head, I'm almost impulsive. For example, my workouts have become increasingly longer (over 2.5 hrs some nights!) because I have decided that I want to continue on a path of a "healthier" life.  I realize that this is something that I need to have accountability with. Hopefully balance will be a great quality of yours, as I know I will need someone to help me keep my work, workout, social and home life in balance.

Another thing that I pray is a quality of yours is intentionality. My brother argues that I use this word incorrectly, but I beg to differ. I think a person can be intentional in a good way... and hopefully you know what I mean when I say that. Intentionality is wonderful--especially when you're not being what I call vaguely-intentional (that's only half effort). Honesty would also be great as well. Honesty and intentionality go hand-in-hand. Faithfulness and trustworthiness also fall into the same categories.

Some of my fears wrapped up in committing have to do with ex's who were not intentional, loyal, trustworthy, honest or good. They were not leaders. I mean I allowed them to lead me, but they did not lead me well.

I hope that you are strong enough to lead a hard-headed, tough on herself, unbalanced fool like myself. And I hope that I see these qualities in you so that I can get off of this noncommittal horse that I'm so comfortable with riding.

Anyways, what am I really saying? You're my husband, or really my future husband--which means that you're reading this a few days before our wedding and hopefully I am speaking truth here instead of meaningless dreams, hopes, wishes and prayers.

I love you and I am thinking about you tonight.

Sogni d'oro!
Addie

Something to make you laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxiHnhm8MCw
Something interesting: http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-ways-ruin-relationship-173600281.html
Something heart-wrenching: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/horrifying-passages-from-the-kermit-gosnell-grand-jury-repor
Something else to make you laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_mZhpGCVr1A

Miles ran: 5.7
Height: 5'8"
Hair: wet and curly

FMF: 4/5/13

Dear Hubs,

Today I am traveling and so this post was written in the early morning hours before my flight. Last night I was at the office until 11:45 because I needed to complete a project in order to take this trip—which means that I am a tad sleep-deprived and I’m afraid I not going to make much sense.

However, I do have an update for you. I have decided, or rather my heart has decided for me, that I need to let go.

Over the past few weeks I have talked about how my heart had formed true feelings for someone and then last week I told you about my tendency to pull away in fear of getting hurt. In being aware of this, I know that “letting go” can also be seen as pulling away in fear, but that is not the case today.

You see, my heart did put up walls. But I fought the walls without rationality. Rationality set in this weekend and made me realize that if I actually want to give Los Angeles a fair try, I can’t have feelings for someone who is elsewhere.

I chose to move here, to expand my horizon, and to live a life of adventure and I can’t allow feelings to hold me back from experiencing full life here.

Love will sometime find me, but for now I need to let go of this idea that love can surpass all boundaries—mainly, distance.

I do believe, however, that love can surpass time, space and distance, but for me, at this time in life, I need to have a pessimistic mindset in order to be fair to this new city.

I do care for him still, but I’m letting go of the idea of us together at this point in time. Maybe one day our paths will cross again in regards to location, but for now I can’t think like that.

Another thing that I realized was that I had almost made him out to be you—as if he was already mine. And the truth is that he wasn’t and he isn’t, I cannot consider him “mine” until he is you. I cannot “wait” for someone who isn’t for me. And most importantly, I cannot let my heart reside somewhere where I am not. I need to be whole here—mind, body and soul. I need to be open-hearted but not absent-hearted. And I can’t be torn between two places when I chose to move here.

So, when rationality set in this weekend, I have to admit I was skeptical that I was forfeiting to my tendency of building walls. But after careful analyzing, introspection and seeking advice, I am confident that it is not the case.  

This journey of finding love is one that I constantly learn from. People (especially here in LA) think of me as a dating guru and seem to think that I have it all figured out. But I don’t. I feel like sometimes I am living in the movie “Hitch” where I am the girl version of Hitch. Like him, I can offer great advice, match-make and even have been known to foresee relationships or predict relationship conflicts before they happen, but when it comes to love in my own life, I am at a loss. I am a dork, I constantly say the wrong things, do the wrong things. I am a mess. However, I enjoy getting to see myself struggle through this.  Challenges make us stronger. They help us grow as individuals and they play an important part in the improvement of our lives.

Love is challenging, and finding “true” love is even harder. But I hope that it’s worth it. In fact I know it will be worth it.

I can’t wait until the day that I get to speak with you about these things. I hope you are being challenged today in a way that is sharpening you for the future. I hope you are diligently seeking Truth and Wisdom and that you’re seeking mentorship by someone you respect and consider a leader.

I love you and I am praying for you today.

Love,

Addie

Something to make you laugh: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/33-dogs-and-cats-that-just-dont-know-anymore-6z51

Something interesting: (This blog in general) http://justinmcampbell.net/

Something heart-wrenching: http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/the-battle-against-cancer-fought-with-love

Something else for laughs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u_2bGPdUY

Miles Ran This Week: 7

Hair: A Terrible Mess

Height: 5'10"